Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
