why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
