stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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