that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
