Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
