There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Randomize
