you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
