on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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