I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
