Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
