There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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