I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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