Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
