I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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