just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
