Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
