He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
