I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize