if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
