If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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