I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
