The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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