Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
