Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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