I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
