Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
