i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
