i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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