I think i peed on brittanys purse
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize