just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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