Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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