Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
