Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
