OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
