vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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