I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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