there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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