Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
