what day is it and did you see me today?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
