I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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