We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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