I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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