Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
