There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
