So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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