Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
