it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
