i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
me + whiskey = a bad person
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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