one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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