saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
porn star boner night. come get it.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
