tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You're earring is so big in my mouth
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
