Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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