I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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