Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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