I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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