i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
