I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
