Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i've created a new STD.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
