i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
